What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
