my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
