Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
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I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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