The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
