Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
