Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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