I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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