I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
