Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
