Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
