listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
