pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
