just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
