do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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