I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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