Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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