I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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