The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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