I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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