Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
