Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
