guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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