This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
