they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
