New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
