dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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