Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
