I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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