I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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