her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
