woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
