Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
