I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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