I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
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I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
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The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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