I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
