I want to make a zoo with you.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
4 words: hood of his car
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
