Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
