I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
