i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
