I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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