You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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