When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
