i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
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I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
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It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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