I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I did not marry a roomba.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
