she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
