it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
