Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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