you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
