Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
