I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
