if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
