Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
