I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
