Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
