Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you