There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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