god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
