I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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