I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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