I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You need Xanax blowdarts
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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