I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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